It is in moments like these in which I undeniably loathe myself. I have no hope. To survive takes every breath of energy. My body is on fire and my mind is numb. Gone is the hope that my day began with – hope for change, peace and calm. I am alone, in supreme discomfort and overwhelmingly broken. In pieces, I picked up my computer to use this as a tool in an effort to try and break my cycle. I don’t know where to start. Do I talk about how I am feeling right now (like shit)? About my hopes (none)? About what?
Reflecting on where this came from, the day that is, I have been subjected to the toxic thoughts of worthlessness. I don’t have a job right now and I feel like I fuck everything up. From trying to please my wife, to taking care of myself, to just paying the bills – I can’t seem to do it right. On the outside I have resulted to wearing the masks of put-togetherness and wellness. However, inside there is a demonic force of emotion writhing just beneath the surface. When alone, I implode and relapse to the tendencies that have plagued and deluded my life for a severely long time.
So when I woke up this morning, promising to break this cycle, I immediately set the expectation without allowing myself to meet it. Already in chaos I started the coffee per usual and sat down with my computer to zone out to Netflix before my wife woke up to go to school. Tangent – I start and end my day with television because I can’t focus on anything. Opening up a new document is about all I can do past that. My brain buzzes uncontrollably from one thought to the next, usually in the negative. Reading, writing, art, whatever is too much for me to focus on most of the time and that suckubus ‘TV’ drains me of attention deficit. Back on topic – only a small amount of time passed before she woke up to begin her day.
I heard her before she came out of the bedroom. Our dog has 6 or 7 senses, usually involving his knowledge that cheese will be removed from the fridge even before I open the door. The other premonition he has is when he knows she is waking up. He will jump off the bed, back on and shake his ears as loud as he can right before that yelp of a yawn. My alarm(s). Up from my seat I start making coffee for her – I have already had a cup or two – but she came out this morning saying that she will take a shower first. I shelved the mug and went about making sure the dog knows I love him.
The silence after the water was turned off reminded me to recommence my duties of making coffee and lunch for her. Two lunches today since she is headed out to a conference for two days, leaving me to myself. This morning progressed quickly and she headed out before seven.
It is in that moment that I don’t know what to do. There is a gut reaction to just get it over with. Open the cabinets, open the fridge, and, like an alcoholic on their day off, get wasted. Today I was fighting for a bit. I had a normal sized breakfast and sat down for a movie. Again, I can’t focus on anything. In that seat, in that state, I go zombie. “It’s just what I do and I can’t help it”, I explain to myself, and there I went. Popcorn, a whole loaf of bread, block of cheese, twenty five rice crispy treats, chips, cereal, on and on and on. I dreadfully reflect back on this because of how guilty, shamed and insecure I feel about it all. I hate myself.
But it is also in these moments that I can’t help but try and offer myself love. The day was just that, a day. I cannot pretend to be a perfect person any more that anyone else. What else can I do but offer kindness, forgiveness and love to myself. I can feel guilt or shame or hatred, but I can also try and look at it differently. Yes I feel like I fucked up, but is that the point? Maybe in order to break these cycles, it is about the intentions and heart you give yourself afterwards rather than the unapproachable guidelines of success that dictate life? Try and try again, I will, to change, to do something different with my days. Life is more that sitting on my couch, watching TV and eating (or not eating). So in this writing, my intent is to offer myself the kindness that I would to a child or dog or anyone really. It is in these moments that I try and tell myself that it will all be ok.