A note before the thing: I wrote this goodbye letter on a dark morning in a car. Sitting alone, I held a breath to myself before everyone else in the group that I was with woke up, with a cup of coffee and a heart of remorse. I had put it off for years because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to B (the name I have given my eating disorder). I realized though, I haven’t been communicating with B or even acknowledging that I am something OTHER than B. I just assumed that this is who I am and I can’t change. Something did however and I gained courage to write to him and explain to him why he is not a healthy part of my life. Since I wrote this letter I have ebbed and flowed through recovery. Today it has a huge part to play because I need to read it to reconnect to how I felt in that moment. After the morning I had, I needed to not only read it, but type it out and remember that even though B comes and goes, there is always a sunrise to drink coffee with. If any of this might resonate with you, remember that you are not alone, even in the dark.
This has been something that I have meant to do for a long, long time. So long in fact that I have idolized the time when I would do it into something amazingly unachievable and unrealistic. The truth is that I need to just write you this letter and let the importance, not the thing, be what I focus on. Yes, I would have liked to write to you in a place of inspiration and beauty, but that is not the point. The point is to write what I feel about you. The point is to say goodbye to you.
B, we have been friends for a very long time, almost as long s I can remember. You have presented yourself to me in many ways and have held my hand while I was confused about the faces you wear. Binge eating has been your staple mask while purging via not eating, exercising or using laxatives has been a close second. You have essentially used our relationship for your own self preservation. Don’t get me wrong, there was a time when we were all that we had for each other. It was you and me. I have relied on you to get me through so much, even just those call moments that seemed so overwhelming and unbearable at the time. Before the end of this letter I did want to say thanks for the friendship and making me feel that I was not alone. I suppose you have earned that much.
However B, you are a destructive, selfish and relenting being that has clung on to me with such adhesion to which there may be no solvent. Yes I am frustrated, mad and disappointed, but it may not be healthy to get too angry with you. To do so would be an attack on myself. You taught me that. Part of me does want to blame you for all the pain and torture that I have put myself through for your own needs. I have lied, stolen, hid and ran away from life. I have been sad, uncomfortable, scared, clueless and afraid of everything. You may have started this, but you may have developed out of it. Whatever the case, I am hurting every day because of the relationship I have with you. More difficult still is that I have a majorly unhealthy relationship with myself, my body, and food. I would like to see that change. I would like to heal.
Healing is a slow process. Similar to an open wound, it starts with small things fighting hard to close and cover. Overtime a scab is made, but can easily be ripped off. Yet, even though you can rip it, you have still repaired the edges and are slowly moving inward. Sometimes you can become infected, and it will take even longer to scar. The beauty of it is that you can be stronger and fight it off. B, you feel like my infection. You have stuck around far too long and brought too much pain. It is time for me to heal. Starting now, forever starting now.
Now. Right now. In this moment. I will try my best to grant you forgiveness, mostly because that allows me to forgive myself. I will offer you kindness, although it will not be enough to ask you to stay. You and I have been through so much together and it will be hard for both of us to break away and find independence. B, we must, we have to. Even when it becomes unbearable, we need to be mindful of what we are doing so we stop destroying lives, destroying my life. I want to laugh, to love and to find comfort in my own skin. With you around, we both can agree that non of this will happen.
What does that mean for you, B? The time has come to say goodbye. it has been something that has alluded me and scared me. Trust in what I say, at first I didn’t want to. I was not ready to, especially to write all of this down. That makes it real. Well, there is no day like today and no moment better than this to tell you that I am ready to say goodbye. I understand that we may see each other from time to time. In fact, I am expecting it. However, I am giving up the power and control that you have over me. I am going to forgive myself, be kind to myself, love myself, and be mindful of what is going on around me. I owe that to myself. I deserve that. I want that. I don’t want you to be apart of my life anymore. There is NO room for your destruction or negativity. I, and no one else, am making this decision. I am ready to heal and I am ready to finally let you go. That is what I want and that is what I need.
In short, fuck off B.