I love going to the movies. I think that there is something so perfect about walking up to the ticket counter, saying, “can I get one for…”, smelling popcorn as you step through the doors and letting your eyes adjust as you stumble around finding the right spot to sit. The commercials before the previews I can usually do without, but it gives me the opportunity to create a new butt imprint in my seat, erasing the trace of whoever was there before. The floors are only a little sticky, but in a nostalgic way, reminding me of childhood and rolling around in a beautiful state of ambivalence. Looking at my watch (or phone, because really…) I get a rush of excitement when I see it close to the starting time. The lights dim and my brain tunes out the world.

I know it sounds ridiculous that I love this so much, but it is an outlet of escape. It is a time when the world outside literally could stop and you wouldn’t care. You are there, locked into the only thing that makes sense in a dark room with strangers. The sound muffles my own thoughts and cognition. The crash of waves that emanate from the speakers comforts my chest as it reacts with each flux. Letting the feeling of it all engulf me, I sit back and breathe.

I like what I watch too, it isn’t just the experience. However, I think that may be the main reason why I pay half my paycheck to do something that I could just do in my own home (but it just isn’t the same). I’ll watch pretty much anything. I do tend to avoid the scary movies though. That being said, I’ll sometimes go to the theater and just ask the counter what I should see, or I’ll even just pick something out from the board that is closest to starting. For someone who enjoys the experience, it is a pretty fun game, although I may not recommend it to everyone, especially if you enjoy the critique.

I have always loved cinematography in general, regardless if it is at the theater or not. I could maybe (actually) over-analyze a bit about the why behind this minor obsession, but the simple answer is that it is nice to take yourself into a different place and let your mind focus on something that isn’t yourself and the world around you. These breaks that movies provide allow me at least to more wholly enjoy and experience my own reality.

With that in mind, I frequently wish my life was more like the movies, I think we all do. We want a happy ending. I’m not sure if it is what I actually desire, but there are those moments when jumping to the next scene would be nice. That isn’t how it works though and I know it. I think what I really just want is to be able to sometimes step out of my own head and look at myself as a third party. Mostly, I just want to shout out, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” Its like when Ross cheated on Rachel and all you could do was shake your head.

What would you say to yourself if you were watching? How would you react? How would the rest of the audience react? Would you sympathize, or would you cringe a little? Would you fall in love with the character or would you be more like Voldemort? Would you care for this person? Would you want to see what happens next? Would you keep watching?

I want that. I’m not sure if I want other people witnessing how truly wreaked I am, but I want to see it. Or not. I think it would be good for me to take myself out of the situation every once and a while and play it like a headline news piece – This just in… Man can’t stop… He now is… What the fu… This distance I think puts things into perspective. Is this really the end of the world or is your brain just playing a trick on you? If I could be the mediator in my own life between me and I, it would be a really interesting and terrifying approach to problem solving within. It does sound a bit messy and I don’t think I would like everything that I see, but you can help yourself out in those situations. You aren’t separated by a glass screen. You are what you are witnessing, so it is the time when you can break the fourth wall and do something about it.

That’s what I want for myself. I want to look more at what I’m doing or saying from a new perspective. Maybe it is in those moments that you can learn more about yourself and appreciate the person you are. Maybe it is a way to encourage yourself to do some good and stop yourself from self destructing (as often). It can’t be the only way to live, but it is maybe something that could help. I always need a little more help.

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