I want to travel back to where I can find the hope of tomorrow. The promise of a new day, the excitement to do something new and a fresh start. The sun would set on today, I would sleep off the muck and the sun would inevitably rise in the morning. But if I woke up, then it would be today all over again – wouldn’t it?
That is the inherent problem with the idea of tomorrow. Tomorrow is someday that I have idealized to be the purveyor of solutions and cleanser of pallets. It is a goal that I have set to tell myself that it is ok what I do right now, because I can change it later. It is ok to eat more, to consume to the point of physically needing to throw up then eating more. What is happening right now can be cleaned up… later (aka tomorrow).
My fresh starts as of late (meaning for freaking ever) have been non existent. My periods of ‘binging’ have shown exponential growth in length and my time spent feeling shitty about what I have done have doubled that. I feel like absolute filth, with no worth and no hope or promise of the idea of tomorrow. I try to talk to myself in the moment, reminding myself that I have the power to change now and I don’t have to wait for someday to come. Yet my body and my brain remind me that I can’t, or at least I can’t right now.
Why? Why can’t I take ownership of myself, my actions, my heart, my mind, my life? Why can’t someday be today? And where the fuck is tomorrow?
But that is the beauty of tomorrow, and the hardest part about it. I want to let tomorrow be the enigma that I know it to be. Anything can happen. I know that it doesn’t change overnight, but I can bring change today, tomorrow, and all the tomorrows. What I have done in the past and what I want to rip my insides out over do not define the person that I am. As much as I would like to say it is, this disorder is not me and I not it. We have been together for so long that it is easier to say that we are each other.
Tomorrow has no bounds. It has no limits. It is untouched. Although it may seem outlined and regulated, tomorrow remains one of the last true wildernesses that exist in this world. And with that, tomorrow doesn’t have to start again overnight. The idea of someday could be this day. What I haven’t done yet I haven’t done yet. I can define my own path, even if B took control for the past week, month, year, etc. If I can just remind myself that tomorrow can be today, then what a life I could live. I wouldn’t be defined by my past. I wouldn’t outline the rest of my day based on the moment I had to endure just now.
If tomorrow were today, I could breathe. I could watch the sunset and smile. I could wake up. I could be more patient without trying to get faster to tomorrow. Slowing down would mean being more mindful of the moment. Having mindfulness of the present could help remind me that I decide my life, not B. Having that confidence and enthusiasm for myself in the moment, that is my goal. Love and be kind to myself.
And it all starts tomorrow.
A note for more – I have recently gone out of my way to shut out the world and listen to more music. I know that it is important to me but I have only just started finding peace allowing myself to do so. With that, one of the artists that I absolutely love is Brandi Carlile. A song of her’s that I often listen to that reminds me of this relationship I have with myself is ‘Sunday Never Comes’. Listen to it… or whatever music gives you that gut wrenching emotion that your not sure of what it is, but you feel something. This song does it for me.