I’m stuck. Recirculating the days and minutes that have already happened. I thought that I was getting better. I thought that my horizon was visible through the mirk. I knew it wasn’t over, but I hoped that somehow it would all just go away. I don’t have the energy or the knowledge to face whatever this is. I’m begging the vast universe to work some kind of Harry Potter magic shit and just wave it all away.

But it can’t be that way. There is no spell of wizardry that will both cleanse the soul and wash my brain. Showers can only help so far. It is through this wishing and thinking that I have done an about face on reality and checked out. I don’t care right now. I’m tired and not ready to embrace the problems which drive me into this state of implosion.

And if you think you or I know where this is going, forget it. This is not going to be some saga of me changing and finding the courage to open my arms to life. That isn’t my story. I don’t have the montage scene which leads to victory. There is truly no purpose or epiphany that I have found within these words.

Trust me, I want it to be like the movies. I want it to be like other blogs of hope and shifting tides.  I want a condensed, 2.5 hour version with a predictable plot, apex and aftermath. The fact that I don’t live in that world makes me frustrated. Frustration inverts me even more. Which is why I think it might be helpful to share what I am going through (again, for myself – you just happen to be listening too). Because, contrary to social media, most of us are not all perfect. We are complex individuals that cannot be summed up into a perfect little box to allow for comment.

I think part of the reasoning why I personally want to blink and be done with all this shit stems from being a millennial. Yes, it is an excuse but a good one. Obviously I use the internet and can’t remember a time when I couldn’t find answers within seconds. I am part of the generation that has an unbelievable, urgent immediacy – for everything. I often find myself wondering what it would be like to actually look something up or, what the ancient civilizations of 20 years ago called it, research. Even while spewing words, I’m thinking only a little, “is it over yet?”

Honestly though, no excuses. No reasoning can be applied to why I won’t get up off of the couch and change something. We are all like this sometimes. There is that side of us that all wants to just say fuck it and do what we despise. Of course we want to do what we shouldn’t, it is intoxicating. Apparently I have given into that voice far too often and now I don’t think it will be very easy to emerge.

I would like to add a brief bit of hope into my deluge of despair that I have felt for months. I’m low on energy which is why I haven’t participated in things that bring me pleasure – writing, going outside, listening to music – for quite some time. To me, it hasn’t been worth it. I don’t feel worth it. But the silver lining, the thing which may bring me back from this self destructive binge is that I have had a lot of time to sit on my ass and reflect on the things that allow me even the smallest of smiles. I haven’t formalized the list and it is ever evolving, but there are things in my life that can ground me and instruct me to be more mindful of the present. The debt that I owe to myself is growing almost as fast as the debt that I owe to others. I haven’t been the best of persons lately, and if it applies to you than I am sorry. Truly. Whatever today was and whatever tomorrow will be, I will never stop trying to find the hope and kindness of the world that I would like to be a part of.

Until the next rant,

Japes

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