Definition of Perspective: A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view
“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet, going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.” – Douglas Adams
There is obviously more going on in this world than how I perceive it to be, in my own world. Here sitting at a table, trying to not sound ridiculous or superfluous, is just one drop of the mosaic we call earth. And yet, that one stroke of paint, ourself, is the most important and crucial part of the painting we not only create, but live through via our own sense of beauty, or lack there of. Others may influence how this may appear even guiding the brush, making the colors more blended, but it was still made by you. We are indeed the masters of our own fate. We have the astounding ability to shape the world around us into what we need it to be.
I am a practitioner of this art. However, it appears that my perspective has been distorted through a sadistic sense of self destruction and hate. I’m curious as to why this is, given the notion that we can see the way we want; maybe this is what I chose? If that is the case, why can’t I look with a different light? Can some of us decide while others – me – might be more predisposed to particular views? I have no idea. I think maybe, like white a dog or child, I have trained myself to observe in certain ways, not even imagining any other options. Now, I have a feeling that this is who I am with no hope of ever changing. I am here forever.
But change is constant. Nothing should remain the same. Humans, plants, all things living or not undergo some sort of adapt. Whether we are fitting into a new environment or just attempting a better way of doing something, evolution happens. It is scary sometimes, the thought of writing into a mess world of unknown is enough to stop the entire process. Personally, I am overly afraid of it, and I panic into my norm – skipping like a scratched disc. As I think about it though, I come back to the idea that I might have a choice of freedom. My hope and wish is that we all do. Yet some of us are simply stuck. We want to change. We want to be free. We want to be happy. So why not?
It is easy to say ‘just do it’. Nothing is ever that simple, and the world – our world – does not work like that. In fact, if you would tell me how easy it might be to look upon the world with smiling grace, it would make me feel even worse, guilty that I cannot perform such act. I fell as though I am not worth that privilege, designated to be an underground monster of fear forever. Of course we are absolutely worth it. We are fortunate enough to be born into a species of infinite beauty, creative thinking, free will, and (in reference to our name) humanity. We all deserve those in kind. Every person, and I don’t care who you are, deserves the happiness that they seek (hopefully it will not squander the happiness of others – war?) The Problem for me, and many more, is that we are so trained into a tortured life that we, I, don’t even know where or how to start. There is no guide book highlighting the trail. Even if there was one, it would only be tuned to the frequency of the author. We all have to go about it in our own unique way. Finding it seems impossible and often I give up the search.
Today (yesterday when I wrote this) I want to begin again. I guess it is actually like I want to pick it up where I left off. Somewhere around two years ago I had an idea that seemed to help direct my tracks which helped me to practice the art of trying out a new perspective. From my journal dated 11/24/2014:
A thought came to me about a different approach to each day I live. The idea struck after I began having self destructive and profound thoughts about my experiences yesterday. I had what I would call a massive episode and now I feel very much like s pile of shit. As I was having a wave of thoughts and emotions, it was difficult for me to find something to ground myself to. There is so much for me to try and practice for my health and recovery that I can’t solidify just one thing while they all swim around up there. However, my intent and goal with myself right now is to give everything a chance and focus on me. I fucking hate that.
My new approach – intention.
Everyday I would like to try and set a theme for what I want out of that day. The goal is to establish this in the morning based on how I am feeling and what I might need (yikes). Then I want to practice it – as best I can at any rate. If I can, I would like to write them down with the knowledge that words on paper are a more deliberate and conscious act for me, something that makes it real. As the day progresses, instead of trying the many practices given to me by my therapist, I can come back to my one theme of the day, grounding my thoughts. Again, if I have time, I would like to sit down at the end of the day to write and reflect about how/where/why/ the daily intention showed up (or if other factors made it obsolete). The next step is to incorporate it into my routines and train of thoughts.
These themes or intentions are basic ideas – kindness, forgiveness, love, etc. – which I believe can have a huge impact on myself and the world around me. They can be repeated as necessary, based on what I feel I need out of the day. I would like to try new ones out if I can, but I understand that there is no right way of doing this. The last thing I want to do is set myself up for disappointment and shame. The ultimate goal is to grant myself the opportunity and structure that I feel I need in my recovery. In the end, there is no end. This is just something new and just for me. I want to find where and what I am. By giving myself a prompt to follow, I am not entering blind.
Back to the present: structure is something that I need. It is a hand rail which will allow me to remain focused. I don’t know if it will be productive and I am not sure if I can followthrough with this.
But that is why we try.