Intention of the Day – Kindness
Definition: The quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.
“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” – Mark Twain
To start out this experience of mine, I wanted to first practice the quality that has the greatest meaning for me personally. Kindness is, and will forever be, a value which truly makes the world a better place. it is a source of good, with pure intention and supreme power over negativity. For myself, I cannot practice it enough.
Kindness, in my own narrow view, is an intrinsic value that we define for ourselves based on what we have experienced in our past. The child who became ill while the mother nourished her back to health, the support from a friend when in need, a door held open by a stranger, even something as simple as a smile – that is kindness. There is a certain levitational feeling we all get when we are the recipients of such acts. It is beautiful, uplifting and occasionally overwhelming. Similarly, when we are the offerers, we feed our souls. I think that everyone craves both the giving and the receiving of this warmth. It makes us feel great, makes us feel better, feel loved. It makes us simply feel. This simple act connects us to the part of ourselves that becomes lost as we age. Kindness is a part of what makes us human. It is what helps make me, me.
Once again, it is an easy thing to preach kindness, telling the world to be kind to others as well as yourself. The challenge is, of course, how you actually do it. How can we offer, especially to ourselves, kindness? How can we be both the recipient as well as the conduit of acts done to ourself? This is exactly why I chose today’s theme. I want to feel it as well as give it.
For what feels like my whole life, I have struggled to be kind to myself. I have hated, cheated, degraded, given up, almost terminated, and forgotten the person that should be most important. Why? I haven’t felt as if I was worth it. As with Newtonian law, something in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by another force. Kindness is a force ultimately more powerful than hate, but hat has seemed to define everything that I am. My actions continue into guilt which will lead to action, and so on and so forth. Without additional help or forces, I have gotten to the point where being kind and loving myself is nearly impossible.
But I want to try. I want to feel that peace and welcomeness I am so willing to give to others. Today, this is what I intend to focus on. I absolutely don’t know how or where to begin. There is probably a long list found in a DIY article entitles ‘How to be Kind’, but I need simplicity and self discovery.
It is now the evening and I’m sitting down with a full belly and tired eyes. Reflecting back on today, I tried very hard to remember my intention no matter what. One thing that I noticed was that I am more comfortable spitting myself and giving him a black eye rather than picking myself up. This shit is difficult. A practice that I utilized in an effort to offer myself a little love was just basic self affirmations. These usually included: “I am a good person”, “I am not defined by my eating disorder”, “you can’t change what you have already done”, “the world is not ending”, “Jean-Philippe, you can and should allow yourself to appreciate, love and be kind to you”. Most of what I was dealing with was just not feeling guilty that I was trying to be alright with me.
Overall the day was different, but everything happened the same way. While not fully engulfed in a heavenly acceptance of who I am, I am learning to allow myself to be open to the idea. I would call that a start in the right direction. Even if tomorrow I curl up into my usual ball of self despair, I did something new today. That, for me, is success. I know that I will forever be me so I am fully aware that change is never going to happen in one day. Today I feel proud and humbled by how much power thoughts have on our emotions.
In this small and mediocre journal entry, I cannot possibly think that I have the power to cover all that kindness is and how important it was, and will forever be, to me. I’m tired, excited, and slightly nervous. Here I sit once again wondering if all of this is worth it, if these words will have some kind of impact and if in the long run I’m not just biding my time until the inevitable. For now, I will embrace it and know that what I am doing is important to me and that should be enough.