– Become less tense, rest, or take one’s ease. –
“Wisely, and slow. They stumble that run fast.” – William Shakespeare
Suffice it to say I become trapped extraordinarily easily in the pace I go. It is a pace which says that I need or should rather than I want to. Do I really need it though? Who is this designator of pace which I here abide to? Wouldn’t it make more sense if I am this master? I think ask a lot of questions.
It is a little funny because when I am stuck spinning my wheels, I feel the urge to do something different, but all I end up doing is just eating (or the opposite depending on where in the cycle I am). I tell myself I don’t have time for me, for writing, for walking, for just sitting. I put myself last on my to-do list, if I am even there at all. Selfish prick. In reality, I do indeed have time; however, my head is thinking far too deep into the past or dreading what may come in the future while leaving my body to rot.
I do feel as though I am rotting away, decomposing with time – quickened of course by the hellish things I do to myself. Aging is not the appropriate designation, I think it too distinguished. Grey hairs and smile lines are comparatively not as fucked up as what I feel within my body. Already it is telling me to check myself, to play nice.
Slowing down is one of my mantras to take a second for myself and analyze what is going on. To do so is at my own pace so I suppose slowing down is much more of a relative-to-me intention. Sometimes, this act may not actually look like a reduced speed, again based on how you might perceive the concept itself. I have a tendency to go faster, mentally, in a concentrated effort to reach the end of something without checking in with myself about where I am in the present. So even if I continue to do something ‘quicker’, I may still be able to ‘slow down’ by connecting action with thought.
Today’s intention is that. I would like to focus my efforts towards drawing in my pace, allowing myself to slow down and grant myself the freedom of what I want.