the partial or total absence of light

“Suddenly there was a great burst of light through the Darkness. The light spread out and where it touched the Darkness the Darkness disappeared. The light spread until the patch of Dark Thing had vanished, and there was only a gentle shining, and through the shining came the stars, clear and pure…” Madeleine L’Engle

It is quiet in my house right now. Nothing but the sound of a second hand and a wooden wick. As it often does, daylight has quickly receded behind the mountains and the darkness of night has come once again. Another one down. That is what it feels like, a notch in the life belt. I am tired, I am sad. I feel nothing. Is this what it all amounts to?

Yesterday my ‘intention of the day’ as I am now starting to call them was to focus on the things that bring me joy, the things I love. As much as these insignificant admirations give me hope, there is still a presence here that I am struggling with. Have you ever read ‘A Wrinkle in Time’? In the book, there is a darkness that is descending upon the universe which the protagonists are attempting to fight, to overcome. With concepts such as hope, love and light, they are able to defend, but not eradicate. That is how I feel. With as much good tidings I allow myself to try and feel, it is still there. Waiting. Watching.

For today’s intention of the day I wanted to focus on aspects of my life that don’t have a place. I hate to use words like hate and dislike because, I think, quite a few of these things are more unimportant to or even just take away from the life I would like to lead. Not all of them are evil or even worth my hatred. I would rather respectfully and compassionately be at peace with what they are and slowly try to focus more on what I love (see yesterday).

As I began trying to itemize (like I do), I honestly couldn’t think of concrete ideas. There are topics in which I would like to change or redirect, but elimination seems like an easy way out. The only thing that I would be willing to cast directly into the volcano would be this ever present nuisance of an eating disorder. I wish it were that simple. Other items that almost made it to my non existent list included a job that I currently have which doesn’t have the direct impact I would like to have in my community, too much time spent indoors watching tv, all my mental health problems, a nagging zit in my nose, and gout.

It would seem as this intention did not go as I planned. I really did want to figure out what it was that could be contributing to this (thank you Ms. L’Engle) darkness. Yes, what I just listed out has some influence to it all, but I don’t believe that any one of them has individual and supreme power. Together they build a wall which feels impassable. I think that by allowing my thoughts to analyze the “bad”, I blocked any light from yesterday’s empowering visions. Maybe a different approach would be to continue concentrating on the things that give me joy, that allow me to be passionate, and by focusing on them I might be able to diminish the impact from the world that may not perfectly align with my own perceptions.

– Japes


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